Path of creating

I am not good at writing about my stuff. I was used to spit my emotion by writing when I was a teenage boy. Although I have lost the ability to do so. Several novels have been written in months, which are longer than my previous works. Read more…

Tags | 寫作事務, 身體疾病

戒

戒不掉寂寞
戒不掉鬱燥
戒不掉失眠
戒不掉藥

死掉的人
便不需再治療
再戒掉
兇猛的喜怒哀樂

死掉的人
再不需治療
心靈的絕症

Tags | 憂鬱症, 身體疾病

Terrible July

I was in a terrible nightmare in July. I am sure that there is nothing troubling me in reality. Sometimes things just happen and it’s the way it is. I have been trying to stop taking the pill that i have been taking. I frequently tried and I failed every time. The pill undoubtedly helps me to live with the mental sickness, but it feels bad on the other hand. I hate to be controlled by something or somebody, even the pill does help me a lot, makes me live like a perfectly healthy guy. The side effect is hard which i will never tell you how bad it is. The reason why I was in the nightmare is I have stopped taking the pill for a month. The action makes me cannot sleep well and feeling faint. I hate to be tired all day long. The war between pills and my willpower is still on the fire, probably it will last for good.

The newest novel once was also my second nightmare. Fortunately it’s been done. Lately I teed to write short novels because it’s smaller burden to my health, moreover I have no leisure a novelist should have.

This one is a long-length one. The longest writting progress almost drived me mad. The story background, again, is set on ancient china, the Tang Dynasty. I admit that I have heavily influenced by historic stuff lately. Sometimes re-visiting your mother culture is worth doing. It gives me uncountable new thoughts. The newest novel is about to be updated. I promise that my novels are definitely better than my blog posts.

image taken by me and sorry for the grammatical mistakes i haven’t noticed.

Tags | 英語文章, 身體疾病

苦之道

我害怕窮。這很奇怪。其實嚴格來說，我未嘗過真正的窮。我沒試過像街上的阿婆阿伯那樣拾紙皮、像新移民、南亞人士那樣躺籠屋，但我確實時常害怕自己落入貧窮。荀子說：「若夫目好色，耳好聽，口好味，心好利，骨體膚理好愉佚，是皆生於人之情性者也」只是一種對人性的觀察。 Read more…

Tags | 佛學, 身體疾病

Hell is in your mind

I never believe that there is a Hell where god is used to burn and trap us. I always feel that Hell is in my mind, in my soul and also my cell. When you are in a great sickness, Hell is where you are experiencing. Consciousness is always a battlefield for human beings. Read more…

Tags | 憂鬱症, 英語文章, 身體疾病

歸來記

每一次大病，我都對這世界有更深的體會。上一次大病是大約兩年之前，病好以後，我便決定跟當時的女友分手。極大的痛苦，時常都令我看清楚自己、旁人，或這個世界。我們時常以為自己活在這個世界，其實不然。病的時候，極大的無力宰制著我，但也令我看見自己和世界的距離。每個人終究要回到自己的心靈裡，面對痛苦。 Read more…

Tags | 身體疾病

中毒

星期日凌晨四五點的時候，胃很痛，起來去廁所，拉了一堆全是水的東西。以為只是一般的吃錯東西，回房躺的時候胃仍一直在痛。吃了兩顆胃藥，情況沒有好轉，痛楚還一直加強，不停作嘔和吐瀉，痛得連走路都沒有力。想過撥999召白車，但我實在害怕急症室要你等到死還沒有醫生來看你的情況，於是便到樓下的通宵診所去看症。其時痛得非常厲害，連醫生的話也答不到幾多。最後打了一支針，又開了幾種藥。

胃抽痛得連四肢都僵硬起來的情況，是一生第一次嚐到。打了針後，等了十分鐘左右，見效。胃好了一點，可以走路。當時外面仍未天亮。回到家後吃藥，睡覺。整個星期天就在沉睡中渡過，四肢疲累酸痛得像不是自己的肢體般，發燒、發冷，混身疲軟。今天也只能告假。

Tags | 身體疾病

The 20th birthday

My birthday passed two days ago, I was quite busy this week so I did not have time for writing down some thoughts. Actually I had a difficult and complicated time in this year which is totally different from the past few years. It’s not purely painful, it’s bitter. Read more…

Tags | 生日, 身體疾病

暴走趕客：不信及為我

本來，寫的量已越見下趺，而已，為了勤加練習英文，又時常寫英文的post，於是，長期失蹤是可以預料的，然而，我自己反而是越來越不知道怎麼用中文來寫東西——內在的東西。這個東西當然不是近來出現的。近年我發現自己已寫不了日記，卻也能寫一些關於別的事情的評論。然而，近來我的體會卻不是語文的，一些在語言上不能言傳的東西。

• 不信

我在持續的痛楚和焦慮中，反而感到自己和精神性的上帝越見遠離，我漸漸好像體察著一些東西，這世界，it’s just the way it is，它就是這樣的，苦難是一種無目的之宗教意象。然而，苦難卻是人們貼近精神世界的一個啟蒙，而人們總是會想找一些超然的答題來解讀這些現象，那些困擾他們的事。當我讀歷史，尤其是西方及那些在地上一個一個尤如過客的文明的歷史，我感到自己漸漸傾向了一種唯物的視點，這世界這時間的洪流，慘無人道的事總是無日無之的發生，當地上持續發生一些我們根本想像不了的慘事時，若然世上有一個超然而人格化的神，那這冷漠無情的神的存在其實比地上的災難更令人感到恐怖。於是，祂的存在與否，其實跟我們與世界以及生存的鬥爭一直都沒有甚麼關係。文明是一道圍牆，在圍牆之外的世界是自由的，然而那種自由也是伴隨恐懼的。於是，在圍牆內，馬克斯所說那種意識和精神上的鴉片，其實是被需要的，為了北大人常常說的和諧穩定。

於是，我在說的是，其實圍牆之外，就是人們的精神世界，一個他們下意識非常懼怕進入的地方。在圍牆之內，我們創造許多的東西分散自己的注意力—食色鬥爭。圍牆之內，是佛說的色界。

近月，我持續地受著一種無以名狀的焦慮困擾，我卻感到自己越來越不信神，甚至不信佛，我越來越無所相信。我甚至也不相信圍牆之外有甚麼是我能得著的，其實圍牆裡有甚麼不好，那裡有一切令人順心的事物。我想到一種對女人的觀察。我知道這篇寫得如此放蕩，是沒有人會看完的(平常的拘謹是為了文章popular、易讀一點)，但我還是會繼續寫完它。哦說到一種對女人的觀察。其實，我感到神奇的是，女人只是女人，一種動物。然而女人的一些無意識的動靜，在男人的眼中便成了「巧笑倩兮，美目盼兮」，這真奇怪是不是，這種奇異的一種無形的東西，是一種與生俱來的重擔，可是，也是一種必要的重擔。它令我們去到最終最苦，也有活著的誘因。我不明白那些提昌戒絕它的宗派學說，提倡禁慾引致的是諸如神父搞細路或者和尚尼姑亂yo之類的問題，其實，這些也是小case，現在正出現一個整個國家被禁制慾望而後出現的後遺症——中國。此刻這種如吃了興奮劑的極致資本主義，在一向不重視人命的天朝便成了一頭插了翼的猛獸。他們不停吃不停建不停幹不停殺不停賺不停蝕，是一種對共產禁慾的反動。

• 為我

看一些春秋戰國的書，九流十家，也沒甚麼感應，反而是楊朱這個人冒出了頭來，一種看似極端自私的人生主張，若水過鴨背，從意思上看，自無甚麼特別之處。然而，當你從最fundamental的層面去想，它其實也點出了一些真理。外在的世界如何發展，現代那些越見敏感的人們最終還是不免察覺自己的存在、察覺到圍牆之外的世界，人們終究還是要回去面對內心一種醜惡的精神狀態、面對一堆悲慘而不設答案的問題——而世界在現實層面上是沒有神佛可以解救他們的。「豐屋、美服、厚味、皎色。有此四者，何求於外？」圍牆裡甚麼都有，我知道它們都不是永遠的，但起碼它有一剎那，然後我才會死於花下。這世間一千種色相和幻覺，它不是真的，但它終究還是人類的歸宿。

這些年的精神病歷叫我知道，生命本是一種幻覺。不然人類包括你我，不會如此本能和不可理喻地在圍牆裡追追逐逐，在幻覺裡生了又生，死了又死。

image taken via: a crying angel by ~NabbiN

Tags | 佛學, 身體疾病

Something I have to say

I have changed the blog theme as you can see, I have to said that I honestly struggle for modifying this theme. It gets some compatibility problems to fix and they definitely piss me off. Fortunately I finally conquered those issues with my hard work on it. Also I have written a novel as you see and I gladly received some useful comments from readers and friends, no matter they are officially given on this site or privately given. At the same time I got some comments saying that only giving a pdf download url is lack of convenience, so I modified the theme also for posting the text of novels on my site. This is something I should do long time ago.

Moreover, lately I am in a great mentally and physically disorder again. My stomach illness get more critical, and I am lack of good sleep for so long. Apparently I would go to my finally sleep if the condition keep going. Conversely I got many new and vivid idea of forming stories, it is so ironic that usually my timing get artistically right for writing when I am trapped in a sickness. I like the previous novel in a strange way. I wrote that by choosing just plain words only, and of course the story itself reflects something which I cant tell or write in orderliness. Its quiet a silently melancholy story. I am touched by frustrated emotion of the whole society, moreover I feel it in my heart also. In recent years, I dont love to use pompous words to write, I put more focus on the content itself, its structure and characters appeared in it.

Anyway I got my strength to write and feel now, I suppose I will make more short novel before the end of the year. Hopefully people are able to finish this with patient, because I know that local people hate to see english article on a chinese website, so do I.

image: Writing by ~LeoNn

Tags | 寫作事務, 身體疾病