Something I have to say

I have changed the blog theme as you can see, I have to said that I honestly struggle for modifying this theme. It gets some compatibility problems to fix and they definitely piss me off. Fortunately I finally conquered those issues with my hard work on it. Also I have written a novel as you see and I gladly received some useful comments from readers and friends, no matter they are officially given on this site or privately given. At the same time I got some comments saying that only giving a pdf download url is lack of convenience, so I modified the theme also for posting the text of novels on my site. This is something I should do long time ago.

Moreover, lately I am in a great mentally and physically disorder again. My stomach illness get more critical, and I am lack of good sleep for so long. Apparently I would go to my finally sleep if the condition keep going. Conversely I got many new and vivid idea of forming stories, it is so ironic that usually my timing get artistically right for writing when I am trapped in a sickness. I like the previous novel in a strange way. I wrote that by choosing just plain words only, and of course the story itself reflects something which I cant tell or write in orderliness. Its quiet a silently melancholy story. I am touched by frustrated emotion of the whole society, moreover I feel it in my heart also. In recent years, I dont love to use pompous words to write, I put more focus on the content itself, its structure and characters appeared in it.

Anyway I got my strength to write and feel now, I suppose I will make more short novel before the end of the year. Hopefully people are able to finish this with patient, because I know that local people hate to see english article on a chinese website, so do I.

image: Writing by ~LeoNn

Tags | 寫作事務, 身體疾病

昏暝夜想

幾天前一個晚上，忽然想起以前認識一個女子。這個關係並不是很久遠的事，但當中細節旁支片段，在我腦中已如早春殘雪，記得不很清楚了。但我那時想起她，心中起初是迷茫的，然後是一陣狠烈之罪惡感——罪疚是一種我極不常有之感覺。

我現在甚至連她的全名都不記得，但仍記得自己那時心裡是怎麼待她的。人的舉動、予人之感覺，跟他自己的心理活動，多數並不完全一致，甚至迴然不同。我記得當時的自己是一團灰燼，在上一段長滿折磨及痛苦的關係中化成一堆灰燼。當時，我的性情全然變了別個樣子。然後我遇著這個女孩子，兩三天後就開始了交往。這個關係應該是維持了半年左右的。

我想人們總是能夠讓人家感到一些他自己想人家感覺的東西——我讓她感到我是深愛她的，但我自己心裡卻仍是感到悲涼的。中間有一段時間我也認為自己是愛她的，但後來卻不然——我終究明白自己只是悲傷和憤恨著別的東西，這個關係對我來說只是肉慾的救贖，但我終究並不喜愛她的性情，隨之而來，我需求「分手」這件事——提出以前我亦無甚麼掙扎，她隨後之哭泣哀怨，當時我並無感覺。我無情得自己也認不了自己，而這無情乃是出於憤恨。我恨的卻不是眼前這個女子，我乃憎恨前事、記掛著故人。我感到罪疚的並非其他，而是我自己羈絆著這個女子，最後卻未曾不愛憎過她的甚麼，這真正叫人輾轉反側。

為甚麼寫這個，我不知道。最近此事在腦際間盤恒不去，遂略書幾筆。你們知道，我並不喜愛、亦很少寫情寫愛。但你們也知道，身體抱恙而兼之風雨在外，總是很容易傷春悲秋的。

image via here

Tags | 男女關係

The Chaotic Consciousness

It’s hard to write down something in this status, even i really want to have some recent posts on my blog. It seems a dead person and so does my heart too. Recently I want to close it down, and let it falls as a decayed empire. The situation is quiet unclear and actually I can say nothing now, it is such a withering state for me. I opened a note and there was nothing out from my brain as if it is absolutely empty.

Obviously I am writing something now as you can see, but its really hard to tell what’s going on. I talked about my inner condition before and at the beginning of September I was really concentrate on my conscious. Moreover, I felt really good in daily life as if the sickness is fully recovered or all the infinite pains I experienced before are just my dreams. Now the illusion is gone, and my conscious is tainted again. I have been suffering from depression and the undescribable tiredness, and I suspect that tiredness comes from the depression, because it is quiet violent and also last for too long.

Furthermore, I nearly not read newspaper and even rss feed which i usually read as my habit. As we know the National Day is coming, pro Beijing people and liberal people predictably have been challenging each other with so many mainland political issues. In the past I also think and write something like those liberal people, such as why we should not celebrate the National Days blah blah blah, yes I know, but now its quiet repetitive for me. There are so much doubts in my heart with those big questions, so I cant simply write my opinion about it nowadays. Its a regression or an improvement? Finally I should say: I wont speak too much now, I am keep watching the world still, untill I can be back and say something again.

Tags | 憂鬱症, 英語文章, 身體疾病

The inner transition

i havent been writing my dairy for a long time, and the reason is that now I seldom put focus on myself. Its quiet difficult to describe my physical new life and the inner transition which happened without a sound and a scent of smell. I discovered that I can be a normal and unemotional guy on the street, in the restaurant, and even the place i hate the most, and the most incredible and unimaginable change is I am quiet hard-working to do what I am supposed to do in this state. Yes, people do different things in different states, even they are not really satisfied.

Perhaps the truth is there is no fully satisfying living state under the Heaven; unfortunately I dont believe that there is a Heaven upon us at the same time.

Besides, I am quiet concentrate on my intellect now by not taking any pills to control myself to be conscious. I have slept well and woke up so early this week, hopefully it can last forever. It sounds and seems like a complete different guy as you see, but this is strange and perplexing to me as well. However, for the people outside I became a healthy person and living a “good” and ordinary life. That’s good, then the World is finally rest in peace now.

Also I have been learning some English language lately, as people see i am not good at it. The fact is I never work hard on this language until growing up. Hence I should learn more and write more, just like this article you see now and hopefully I can quickly use it to write other subjects on my blog such as political issues, which i usually write in the last year.

Tags | 英語文章

昏醉以及凝視

君看雙眼色，不語似無愁。我們總是寂寞的，即使我們有愛著的人、有愛著我們的人。活著的寂寞是一陣夾雜著細小玻璃碎的微風，吹彿著我們，微細的痛楚煎熬著我們，直至膚上擦出腥血來，我們才肯承認——哦，又出事了。縱然我們在世界活著總不是孤單，可這陣凜冽的風還是要割傷我們的。我們之中的某些人持續地受苦，這種天罰常常使我們寸步難行。我們不停倒下，有的陣亡，有的重新起來，有天再被擊倒。

我們並沒選擇毒品和耶穌其中之一作為救贖，這種痛楚也便顥得份外的清澈，但是在這些情緒之中，我卻感到活著是怎麼一回事，我感到與我自己之間沒有謊言，沒有自欺欺人的念頭，所以我感到憂愁。畢竟愛是一種原始的昏醉，憂愁卻是一種太過清澈的凝視。

Brett最近放出來的現場錄影，演奏的是即將推出的新碟的歌曲。無得頂。

Tags | brett anderson, 憂鬱症, 聽歌

My indescribable status and……The Asphalt World

比原版的氣氛內斂和深沉。是brett零七年在Queen Elizabeth Hall的演出。

[flashvideo file=http://dadazim.com/journal/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/asphalt.mp3 /]

I know a girl she walks the asphalt world
She comes to me and I supply her with Ecstasy
Sometimes we ride in a taxi to the ends of the city
Like big stars in the back seat like skeletons ever so pretty
I know a girl she walks the asphalt world

But where does she go?
And what does she do?
And how does she feel when she’s next to you?
And who does she love in time-honoured fur?
Is it me or her?

I know a girl she walks the asphalt world
She’s got a friend, they share mascara I pretend
Sometimes they fly from the covers to the winter of the river
For these silent stars of the cinema
It’s in the blood stream, it’s in the liver
I know a girl, she walks the arse felt world

But where does she go?
And what does she do?
And how does she feel when she’s next to you?
And who does she love in time-honoured fur?
Is it me or is it her?

With ice in her blood
And a Dove in her head
Well how does she feel when she’s in your bed?
When you’re there in her arms
And there in her legs
Well I’ll be in her head

Cos that’s where I go
And that’s what I do
And that’s how it feels when the sex turns cruel
Yes both of us need her, this is the asphalt world

Tags | brett anderson, 憂鬱症, 身體疾病

繼續休業

病況維持了多久，我不太記得，腦袋的時間感已變得很遲緩。連續有好多天不能好好睡覺，常常輾轉反側就是一晚，直到窗外的鳥兒叫、天色微涼凡時候才能入眠。我沒看報、也沒看網誌，很多時候情況糟得連寫些無聊絮語也力有不逮。我這才發現這次比以往任何一次都要凶險，以前再差的時候，我感覺自己仍是清醒的。但我感到自己昏昏沉沉了很久很久。

拜物小姐從日本帶了特別的茶給我，那些茶包異常的香，香得也不知是甚麼材料來的。喝了兩天後，前天晚上便遍身的痕，全身各處都出了敏感，痕得想用在腿上割一刀制止那痕癢的感覺。於是又整晚睡不了，一直醒著到了天亮去看醫生，醫生只問有沒有喝酒吃海鮮之類，我亦不能肯定與茶有沒有關係，為了安全亦只能擱著不喝。

有時找找看看有沒有合用的theme，都找不到合適的，跟舊的比比看看都沒找到滿意的，行動作罷。在自己的病況下，網誌似乎要繼續無限期休業。

Tags | 憂鬱症, 身體疾病

刺眼

並不是有甚麼實質的事死人榻樓，但我低到了谷低。眼睛非常怕光，連屋裡的電燈泡光線也覺得刺眼，家人說是眼睛過勞，我並無意見，是也好，不是也好，我知道自己的精神狀態極差，遍身的累，像重感冒前的先聲，最好是豬流感，然後一家也要隔離，我沒甚麼理智此刻。我知道只是腦化學物質出了問題，但我常常身處這些境地之中，對那些死人和自殺的人有一種同情和理解。我也許應該把這裡毀了，我也許應把自己毀了，誰知道，我應該說說小說，我將炎京事變寫完後，我感覺到一種解脫，但亦有一種可怕的反作用力，我斷斷續續地吃藥，我覺得其實沒甚麼用，但人家都說要吃、其他人信醫生多過信病人，所以病人的感受常常被忽略，我知道。

她說是一篇很粉飾太平的小說，我是這樣認為的。我也能寫言情小說。炎京事變卻是悲觀黑暗很多的，寫到中間的時候我曾經一度想要停止，它在啜光我的力氣，我其實一刻不想留在那不見天日的世界裡，何其一種精神虛脫。我想我只是身體很累，其實精神就是肉體，肉體就是精神，你知道。若我未死，我得好好執執這裡，我又看厭了它。

Simple Girl – IAMX

仍在彼方

原來可以不寫。近日除了寫我的小說還是寫我的小說。一天大約寫一萬字左右。但這故事比我想像中更長一點，希望能在十三四萬之內完成。

當然，手眼腦袋都快要廢了所以就不寫博。發現不寫博，不讀博，也有一種異樣的自由。我知道這是個多事之秋，我又是個好事之徒，平日總忍不住去寫去讀。最近我卻有難得的沉澱，一種魅惑的抽離。我的一心一意難得只在一件事上，而不是四處惹草沾花——雖然我每天都是累得幾乎要死掉，但我卻有一種難得的入定。外間物事，雖然流淌依舊，但它們卻不上我心，它們如此進了我的腦裡，又是原模原樣的離開去。

我覺得自己在很遠很遠的地方，似乎不願回來的樣子。但我終究還是要回來。不需上帝，沉澱過後，我也是新造的人。

PS 最近伴寫的除Manson之外，都是一堆舊歌。另有新認識的年輕英倫樂隊The Horrors的新碟【Primary Color】，亦有驚喜之處。

Tags | 寫作事務, 聽歌

厭

我非常想寫些甚麼，但我寫不出來。力氣都用光在最近寫的小說上，不能說話、不能思考。這部小說挺多黑暗和隱喻性的東西，像一個黑河洞將我自己也給扯了進去，前兩天都忘記在睡前吃一顆抗鬱藥，現在狀況非常的差。我多想寫些關於六四晚會的東西，可是力有不逮呢，只要我把小說給寫好了，一切就會好的。不過在那個時候，這個話題已經冷了。管不了部落荒野蔓生，只能繼續寫。

Tags | 寫作事務, 憂鬱症