A little note about the latest novel

I am back. As you see, I have finished the latest novel 藍鬍子與貞德. It makes me disappeared from here for several days. Let’s talk about the hard time I have experienced. Read more…

Tags | 宗教, 寫作事務

Design of writing

The theme of my wordpress called newpress is obviously a “magazine style theme” . I have been using it for quite a long time, probably is the longest since i use wordpress. If you are familiar with my site, you could see that the theme has been frequently modified when I come up with new ideas of how to make it better. Read more…

Tags | 堂務, 部落圈

歸來記

每一次大病，我都對這世界有更深的體會。上一次大病是大約兩年之前，病好以後，我便決定跟當時的女友分手。極大的痛苦，時常都令我看清楚自己、旁人，或這個世界。我們時常以為自己活在這個世界，其實不然。病的時候，極大的無力宰制著我，但也令我看見自己和世界的距離。每個人終究要回到自己的心靈裡，面對痛苦。 Read more…

Tags | 身體疾病

中毒

星期日凌晨四五點的時候，胃很痛，起來去廁所，拉了一堆全是水的東西。以為只是一般的吃錯東西，回房躺的時候胃仍一直在痛。吃了兩顆胃藥，情況沒有好轉，痛楚還一直加強，不停作嘔和吐瀉，痛得連走路都沒有力。想過撥999召白車，但我實在害怕急症室要你等到死還沒有醫生來看你的情況，於是便到樓下的通宵診所去看症。其時痛得非常厲害，連醫生的話也答不到幾多。最後打了一支針，又開了幾種藥。

胃抽痛得連四肢都僵硬起來的情況，是一生第一次嚐到。打了針後，等了十分鐘左右，見效。胃好了一點，可以走路。當時外面仍未天亮。回到家後吃藥，睡覺。整個星期天就在沉睡中渡過，四肢疲累酸痛得像不是自己的肢體般，發燒、發冷，混身疲軟。今天也只能告假。

Tags | 身體疾病

The Chinese New Year is sucks(except the red pocket money)

Pitifully the chinese new year vacation has ended. I sinfully admitted that I did nothing worthy to say in the holiday. Eating, sleeping and playing were all my activities. Personally I hate Chinese New Year though we traditionally receive red pocket money in the festival. I got about thousand and several hundred dollars. Nevertheless I quite dislike the atmosphere of it. Television is full of annoying and boring ads. Traditional songs repeat in every corner of the city all the time. You can’t even have a nice, quiet meal in a restaurant.  Read more…

Tags | 節日, 英語文章

The 20th birthday

My birthday passed two days ago, I was quite busy this week so I did not have time for writing down some thoughts. Actually I had a difficult and complicated time in this year which is totally different from the past few years. It’s not purely painful, it’s bitter. Read more…

Tags | 生日, 身體疾病

Satisfaction

In fact I do know that what is troubling me in all these days. I definitely know that what makes me feel so miserable: I am not satisfied, I am not satisfied with my life, with what I am doing and experiencing. In these years, I have been experiencing a struggle, i have been struggling with my life. It seems that there is a beast living in my heart, it has been hurt by many things from the outside. I did have dream and passion once, maybe i didn’t really have it, but at least yesterday I did have something to believe in. I am frustrated. The frustration fills in every holes of my soul. When I was a child, I was absolutely passionate, at least, I was not afraid of falling and losing. At that time, I was sure that I have nothing to lose.

Yes, it’s right with no doubt. However now I am so afraid of those horrible imagination. A continuing Anxiety-Disorder recently keeps torturing me. I live by just my instinct. I am not satisfied with my inner conscious. There is something wrong. I discovered that although love troubles are violent to people, problems of satisfying are even more difficult to be solved. I deeply feel that there are some drastically melancholy things beneath my heart.

I read a christianity magazine before(reading something which i don’t actually believe in or agree with is my hobby), it interviewed a taiwanese singer from decades ago. She traveled to Jerusalem with some christianity followers before, in the trip those people invited her to be a follower through baptism. This woman had some considerations and finally decided to be a follower, its an ordinary experience for many people. Furthermore, the most interesting part is that the woman intensively cried with no reason in the night before her baptism. She said that she was not satisfied with her early career, she felt lost in the entertainment cycle, she felt sad because she could nearly get some acting awards. Those things have putted the seed of sadness in her heart. Satisfaction is the most important thing in human’s life. Are you satisfied with your life?

I can understand that what is happening for these human’s mental activities. Our soul stores stress and pain, so we could act and live like a normal guy walking on the street until a day when we can’t control those negative sentiments. We solve these thing with drugs, sex, shopping, religions, blah blah blah, and everything you like, I have also tried most of those popular choices, but they don’t work either. In these years, the very last choice for me is just waiting, waiting the sun to rise again finally, and the moon falls instead, as a tragical and nature cycle.

Tags | 憂鬱症, 英語文章

問佛——愛與死

故人，老一輩的人寫說這個字，指以前的老朋友，或者前夫前妻。我只有前者。我問佛，她們緣何來，我緣何去，是怎麼樣的緣——我以為是孳綠。我斷斷續續的說過其中一個，今日我說另一個。

一先一後來的。先來的一個。我現在記不起跟她有過甚麼實際的事，它們消融飄渺了，我甚至沒牽過她的手吻過她的嘴，更不消說是上床——一個標誌性的動作，使我記住人們的髮膚輪迴。然而，雖然我們之間沒實際的發生甚麼，但我記得自己跟她有一段糾纏歲月，我不知道對對方來說那一段日子是甚麼。我沉溺，苦戀將我埋葬。人們總有這種經驗，因為甚多的原因，你知道結果，也許你我的事，是可以的，是很得通的，但實際卻非如此。行星間的牽引不一定是回應寂寞的回聲，而是本能相尋的毀滅。

悲喜交雜的關係。人在潛意識中總是自虐的，那些令人痛苦萬分的東西，你總不願放手，縱然使自己人不像人、鬼不像鬼，不知人間何世。牽著你走的只是一個念頭，一個迷離的渴望。經歷一段萬般痛苦的時期，我病了，我跟她訴苦，但不願告訴她是甚麼原因，使我孤魂留離。我知道她是知道的，但有時我寧願將她的遲頓，想成是純然的邪惡，而不是殘忍的純情——畢竟我們之間有過那麼多的日子，她總得了解。那些年，我在死蔭幽谷散步，當時我只有她一個見面的朋友，我待她如朋友，我甚至也覺得她是我有過最好的朋友。然而，我最終也受不住跟其若無其事地討論她與男朋友的感情問題。我斷了弦，我受不了。我對她說一切可以說的，然而事情的結果並未改變。不知在甚麼時候，我決心割捨這念渴，戒這個毒癮，停止一切聯絡和通訊。

然後，有一段很長的時期，我成了一陣灰燼。我的身體慢慢好轉，我再次活得人模人樣，成了外人眼中一個平常的人，認真的幹俗務，也不自毀。然而，我心裡醞釀一種狂恣。我記得，我成了另一個人，像長成了另一個人。我常常笑，開懷的笑，見回了舊朋友，吃喝玩樂聊，我變得非常適應。我四處的招惹花草樹木。在我眼中，女子都是美好的。我懷恨，但我變得尋常。那時我發崛到自己的口才，應用在拈花惹草這個活動之中，成了一個新奇的體驗。後來，另一個故事來臨。

之前，我已寫過這個她的事了。我知道，那是一個暫時的住所，我將重擔和悲情暫時安放其中，我甚至不跟她說我以前的事，一點也沒有。我看著那個女子，聽著她女孩兒的小事和心事，純然得像一個午睡的夢，我便不好意識驚擾它。這段插曲的結尾，我也說過了。然我不常想這件事，我想到的仍是我曾經的老友。

我對佛說，這很諷刺是不是？我不想念記恨一個盡了肌膚之親的，心裡卻仍唸留著一個玩伴——是的，也許這個名詞形容得貼切一點。佛說我不是記念著那個女子，我抓住的不是回憶，而是我的不甘心。很久以前，忽然了解這一切，人們不是因為遠離或背叛而悲傷——那甚至不是悲傷，更多是一種不甘心。不甘鐘愛的人脫手而出的憤恨。人們瘋狂，說：「我失去了甚麼﹗」然而，人又能抓著甚麼，甚麼都不能抓住，自然就沒有失去。但我們總是認為自己失去過很多。我那些悲切的日子，其實只是一段切膚的幻覺。

佛說完。我在心裡有一種悲涼的釋然和清醒。

插圖：Buddha by ~Adrienneknott on deviantART

Tags | 佛學, 男女關係

暴走趕客：不信及為我

本來，寫的量已越見下趺，而已，為了勤加練習英文，又時常寫英文的post，於是，長期失蹤是可以預料的，然而，我自己反而是越來越不知道怎麼用中文來寫東西——內在的東西。這個東西當然不是近來出現的。近年我發現自己已寫不了日記，卻也能寫一些關於別的事情的評論。然而，近來我的體會卻不是語文的，一些在語言上不能言傳的東西。

• 不信

我在持續的痛楚和焦慮中，反而感到自己和精神性的上帝越見遠離，我漸漸好像體察著一些東西，這世界，it’s just the way it is，它就是這樣的，苦難是一種無目的之宗教意象。然而，苦難卻是人們貼近精神世界的一個啟蒙，而人們總是會想找一些超然的答題來解讀這些現象，那些困擾他們的事。當我讀歷史，尤其是西方及那些在地上一個一個尤如過客的文明的歷史，我感到自己漸漸傾向了一種唯物的視點，這世界這時間的洪流，慘無人道的事總是無日無之的發生，當地上持續發生一些我們根本想像不了的慘事時，若然世上有一個超然而人格化的神，那這冷漠無情的神的存在其實比地上的災難更令人感到恐怖。於是，祂的存在與否，其實跟我們與世界以及生存的鬥爭一直都沒有甚麼關係。文明是一道圍牆，在圍牆之外的世界是自由的，然而那種自由也是伴隨恐懼的。於是，在圍牆內，馬克斯所說那種意識和精神上的鴉片，其實是被需要的，為了北大人常常說的和諧穩定。

於是，我在說的是，其實圍牆之外，就是人們的精神世界，一個他們下意識非常懼怕進入的地方。在圍牆之內，我們創造許多的東西分散自己的注意力—食色鬥爭。圍牆之內，是佛說的色界。

近月，我持續地受著一種無以名狀的焦慮困擾，我卻感到自己越來越不信神，甚至不信佛，我越來越無所相信。我甚至也不相信圍牆之外有甚麼是我能得著的，其實圍牆裡有甚麼不好，那裡有一切令人順心的事物。我想到一種對女人的觀察。我知道這篇寫得如此放蕩，是沒有人會看完的(平常的拘謹是為了文章popular、易讀一點)，但我還是會繼續寫完它。哦說到一種對女人的觀察。其實，我感到神奇的是，女人只是女人，一種動物。然而女人的一些無意識的動靜，在男人的眼中便成了「巧笑倩兮，美目盼兮」，這真奇怪是不是，這種奇異的一種無形的東西，是一種與生俱來的重擔，可是，也是一種必要的重擔。它令我們去到最終最苦，也有活著的誘因。我不明白那些提昌戒絕它的宗派學說，提倡禁慾引致的是諸如神父搞細路或者和尚尼姑亂yo之類的問題，其實，這些也是小case，現在正出現一個整個國家被禁制慾望而後出現的後遺症——中國。此刻這種如吃了興奮劑的極致資本主義，在一向不重視人命的天朝便成了一頭插了翼的猛獸。他們不停吃不停建不停幹不停殺不停賺不停蝕，是一種對共產禁慾的反動。

• 為我

看一些春秋戰國的書，九流十家，也沒甚麼感應，反而是楊朱這個人冒出了頭來，一種看似極端自私的人生主張，若水過鴨背，從意思上看，自無甚麼特別之處。然而，當你從最fundamental的層面去想，它其實也點出了一些真理。外在的世界如何發展，現代那些越見敏感的人們最終還是不免察覺自己的存在、察覺到圍牆之外的世界，人們終究還是要回去面對內心一種醜惡的精神狀態、面對一堆悲慘而不設答案的問題——而世界在現實層面上是沒有神佛可以解救他們的。「豐屋、美服、厚味、皎色。有此四者，何求於外？」圍牆裡甚麼都有，我知道它們都不是永遠的，但起碼它有一剎那，然後我才會死於花下。這世間一千種色相和幻覺，它不是真的，但它終究還是人類的歸宿。

這些年的精神病歷叫我知道，生命本是一種幻覺。不然人類包括你我，不會如此本能和不可理喻地在圍牆裡追追逐逐，在幻覺裡生了又生，死了又死。

image taken via: a crying angel by ~NabbiN

Tags | 佛學, 身體疾病

untitled

My sickness become more critical in past few days. I absolutely cant sleep at night, people know that lack of sleep is one of the most horrible thing that human ever experienced. I cant clearly explain what happened to myself in those painful days, it just likes an unstoppable nightmare. Unlike philosophers and mad men, there is no question which is torturing me in my heart, I feel that the problem is purely physical. Eventually I went to hospital and got some sleeping pills for my condition. I still fight for my life although my soul and cell are killing me in this type of state. I want to survive of course as people and animals do, however the seed of lust for death is instinctly prepared in subconscious. At least I feel that really, unfortunately most of people’s soul are instinctly seeking destruction, at least a state of calmness. Thats the reason to explain why people commit suicide, taking drugs and the most popular choice: choosing a God to believe.

One day I will write an article to explain my view of religion things. I always mention that I really want to believe in Jesus. I am not joking. I can imagine that how well to be a REAL christianity follower, I got this thought by witnessing the transition of people who have become a believers. Unfortunately I also know that I wont become a follower of any religion in short term. Because I know that I will have so much doubt to ask, and doubt is not acceptable for a religion. Those invisible God wont answer it a word. Besides, most of their agents are businessmen not people who have wisdom and answer. I certainly know that if I get better after joining a group of religion, the effect is absolutely fake. The answer is I cure myself in that case, is not real. Then I have to ask: why should I care about whether God is real of not? Nevertheless, I care it more than anything. So the heaven is not prepared for me, but for people who wont argue too much in deep mind. I do envy them.

I have to stop my bullshit in here, because I have taken sleeping pill. Hopefully I can have a good sleep tonight.