病到七彩。所以沒寫甚麼，也沒聽甚麼。情緒非常困擾，不是相信輪迴早就一死了之。最近甚麼都是壞消息，唯一例外的可能是最近我又戀愛了。前天閱報看到一格搭羅小占卜，測試人們對忘年戀的看法。隨便選了一張，結果是我因世俗看法，絕無可能發展此種愛戀。同濟拿來看時，我便說這一點準確也沒呢，我都發展起來了。

常覺得很多人誓神劈願說我永不會這樣、不會那樣，只是不明白。是時間未到而已。能夠理智的就不是戀愛。楊過沒遇到小龍女也許就會找個年紀相近的、Ennis沒在斷背山遇到Jack也許他就可一世當個無憂無慮的直男。哪個說自己絕不會怎樣怎樣的，只是虛妄。甚麼都可能的，只是遇到與否而已。

原來感冒也能差點要你性命的。

去看醫生時，肥胖的流浪貓在開餐。很多人給牠們吃的喝的。

家中兩老日前爆發戰事，雖然雙方年紀不少，戰事卻仍帶若干殺傷力，最終導致老父出走「娘家」。每到睡覺時間都跑到奶奶彼岸「避難」。夫妻反目，不外乎那些原因。你總說不出一個具體原因。燎原只需點點星火，兩公婆的日常生活萬般零碎，大把吵架機會。一男一女的關係，不歡而散的已算上帝仁慈。結婚了的就更加複雜，不幸的都落得欲斷難斷的收場。這已不談法律上那些家產、撫養權的麻煩可怕，我們在家嘈屋閉之類肥皂劇就看得夠多，自然明白。

兩老冷戰，讓我想到電視劇中痴男怨女那些「不若我們分開冷靜一下」的對白。其實大家已經熟諳，私下二人的談判，又何需虛偽這般故作仁慈。分開就分開，並無甚麼虧欠，有亦難以追討。又思及前些日子，跟舊女友面臨分手的若干片段剪影。彼時亦想過好不好對她也說「我想分開冷靜一下」，但是要冷靜多久？何時再會？再見時又該如何？問題許比迷你債券複雜，不如乾脆一點。究竟明白這是一個現實世界。

今日見兩老坐在一起看道地星期日影院，許是戰事緩和。鬆一口氣。一段關係開始得如何天崩地裂，三五七年、仍要面對激情消逝的尷尬。這個年代的人們實際，舉案齊眉早就不求了。忍受得了大家就好。日出而作，晚上安坐家中一起看肥皂劇，千千萬萬的人同是如此過活，免俗的不知有幾多個。每次都愛得死去活來，凡人心靈又如何承受。究竟明白這是一個現實世界。

最扣人心弦的愛情，乃是人們在潛意識中已了解到這段關係也許不能成就。「理智」的會像汪阿姐般告訴你「襯大家感情未深，係呢個時候就要抽身」；有些戀侶卻懂冒險犯難，不理結局如何，要在戀人身上刺一朵嫣然盛放的薔薇。

自從佈景從K2換到Grid Focus之後，Google開始搜索不到這裡的資料。佈景原作者是個厲害的設計師，我傾向認為是自己胡搞胡搞亂了code，致令情況發生。打算換回k2，自己又看不慣，對此佈景實在鐘情，沒法子，換回Grid Focus，爛蓆繼續磨。

得知此變故，不爽固之然，但又令人思及寫blog意義一類化石題目。此處的前身在今年二月二十六日開張。當時生活上的磨難接踵不停，連最老套的為情所困都來了，還有甚麼話說。只得乖乖去看醫生，每晚睡前乖乖吃血清素和安眠藥。思考盡量少，覽報閱報可免則免。是休息也是避世。別看香港資訊無孔不入，只要你下停決心，亦可隱遁。可有可無，在blogspot開一個網誌，打算放些絮語叨言。當時只想寫日記，甚至有過不寫中文之念。可此「求期、事但，無所謂」之寫作態度，叫我意外重抬寫作的樂趣——我記性不佳，總是忘記人生苦短，甚麼事情都是娛樂自己，再娛別人。

那時就只求寫，連submit到各個搜尋引擎也懶為之。想起此段舊時插曲，就覺現在Google對我的憎惡不值一談，遂一笑置之。況且，仍有雅虎錯愛。谷歌敵視，算Q數。活在世上，廣結善緣雖是正經，但總免不了開罪別人，搜尋引擎如是、網客如是。

以後也要貫徹求其、事但，無所謂的精神。

Lately I try keeping myself away from news and papers consciously, due to the economy bad news’ non-stop bombarding day after day. We are living in a state of chaos now, everyone feels worries and depressed, including my mom. With a few funds in several companies, she is becoming quite confused last night, and murmured many things.

Fortunately our family won’t be affected by the turmoil shortly, and we neither hold stocks of any company, nor buy any financial derivative products all these time. However, I know this storm would sweep us eventually, no one can stay safe.

In developed countries, people are greedy to embrace money, and good at playing tricks in the financial market, especially in stocks. Previously, it seems that HK people are crazy about playing stocks, and some of them even publish books to share or explain the know-how. It sucks. I don’t think those elderly men or women know how to play stocks with their blood-stained money. Also, this seems a perfect excuse allowing us go gambling, and people even claim this as “investment.” I say, its BULLCRAP.

Personally I won’t play the stock market, and furthermore, I never gamble either. Coz I believe I ain’t a lucky man since little. I believe I can ONLY gain with what I pay, not by luck or chance. Besides, I can’t gamble due to my moodiness, mentally I am not a stable guy. I dislike risking, and eventually gambling will pull down my sentiment. In the money issue, I am a conformist.

Nevertheless, we have nothing to do about this since THIS IS IN OUR CULTURE. Try hard to be an opportunist. We are preached to believe so, and we never learn from the history, approximately our history is just like this. Greed ruin us all. WE’RE FUCKED UP NOW.

秋意漸漸的起，病又漸漸的好；打碎了的情緒，又要彎腰逐一拾回。人事來來去去、時局動動蕩蕩。眨眼中秋過了、家嘈屋閉又大了結局，又來哈囉喂、期待聖誕、元誕、新年……一個一個的節日串起了一年。空氣中彌漫著一種乾燥的味道，空蕩蕩散發著一種蒼白的欲哭無淚。

國慶日不去看升旗、不去看煙花，沒有約會。走去UNIQLO買衫，購得一件羊毛外衣，一道黑色牛仔褲。穿在身上不張揚，款式是那麼低調。又夠便宜——最怕穿著貴價高檔，混身的小心翼翼。

情緒不是大哂，更多時候只是一種卑微的訴訟、自己一個天大的活受罪。晚上想過甚麼、如何難過，明天又要照樣啦啦嗚嗚地爬起床來，像一塊廉價的沙丁魚般擠在火車形狀的罐頭裡。趕去上班上學，難以遮掩神情的空洞，卑躬屈膝，期望命運對我們仁慈，施捨多一點。

昨晚又一個夢。夢見的人，已久久沒有碰臉，也不打算再碰臉。那似乎是個高塔，在其之上，我們親吻得很熱烈。這個夢有一種沁心的溫和感覺，一切都是圓滿的。可是，畢竟只是個夢。甦醒那刻，仍是得回到這邊。瞬息之間，簡直失望得欲哭無淚。可生活連黯然神殤的時間都欠奉，爬去擦牙洗臉諸如此類，嗚嗚啦啦的又得趕出門。然後又聽見at17最近的新歌《依然．親愛的》。無法不為林嘉欣婉柔的獨白聲線著迷。

「如果係宜家　你仲會唔會…你仲會唔會咁陪我呀？」唉可惜昨天是昨天，今天是今天——太多下落不明的情愫。

依然．親愛的

主唱：at17　
獨白：林嘉欣
作曲：at17
填詞：林二汶@at17
編曲：蔡德才．梁基爵@人山人海

那年　那遇見的一天
你我　彷似從沒有分別
若你在　天多冷都很暖

(你話　你想一齊開間老人院
到老咗無人要
大家　都可以照顧大家
你話你鍾意關淑怡　我話我鍾意林憶蓮
我哋竟然傻到用晒d零用錢
嚮卡拉OK全日淨係唱佢地啲歌
如果係宜家　你仲會唔會…
你仲會唔會咁陪我呀？）

難得　一切有她伴我
只想共她三天不出家門
噢　這時間　可慵懶
不用怕　怎麼都不會怕

難得 （喂？）一切有她伴我 （做緊咩？）
只想共她（係…好耐無見…）三天不出家門（你有無時間丫？）
噢　這時間　可慵懶（um…）
不用怕　怎麼都不會怕　（咁…唔緊要……下次先）

I am not feeling as hard as previous weeks these days, yet it’s strange and freakish to me spiritually. Though I keep working and moving, my life is still as the water, as the mirror. The outside world always confuses me, and uncountable notions and memory running through my mind on and off.

I still keep an eye on the world news, and reading as I can. Tang Junyi（唐君毅）, an important Confucianism philosopher in contemporary Chinese history, talks about pain, moral and human life. His work is difficult to understand due to the classical writing style, like the literary language used in ancient China. Thus when people read, it’s uneasy to catch the point behind his words. I am not pro-Confucianist for certain, and don’t buy the preach coz I don’t think that the Confucian theory can either improve the modern world or elevate our mind. It fails to bring us a better real world and gives us peaceful mind.

Consequently the conventional Confucian philosophy is fading while people like Tang are growing more and more, however Tang is actually dead long time ago……Wait, I will stop talking about these, and back to myself more.

Last weekend I met an old classmate of mine and it seems that I realized many things afterwards. We talked about those old days and after this talk, I realized more things than I thought. Many people are important in my life both in a good and bad way. Their unpredictable leaving always pulled me down, and sometimes I feel as strange as standing in a single island, and the depressed emotion tortures me in many nights. Nevertheless, I suddenly feel better after seeing my old classmate. I lost weight and it’s quite mysterious and difficult to explain, but I’m pretty sure that most people know what it feels like. Eventually I am not gonna say I fully recover, but at least the pathway of wind changes, and hopefully it’s changed in a good way, Amen.

因為颱風，今日休假。又有親戚到來，招呼他們過夜，整夜都睡不好。今日下午再睡，昏昏沉沉睡到五點幾。做了一個詭怪的夢。夢裡，我在自家浴室肢解了一個女人，整個夢就是我如何將之隱瞞、又要費剎思量決定如何「安全地」運走屍塊，以瞞天過海。肢解別人的夢，在此之前已有幾次，內容亦大同小異。

解夢家和神秘學家不知會如何拆解我的夢，Carole卻道：” in ther reality you cant get a woman so in your dream you torture a woman “. 我無法肯定，現階段我獨自一個，並不代表我很享受這樣——老天，我可沒這個大修為。這可是個花花世界呢。

可是抽身而出，有其需要。太多愛恨情愁了，我這敏感的腦袋莫要承受太多。我慣常陷入惡性循環：寂寞讓我戀愛、可戀愛卻叫我越加寂寞。最糟的不是自己一個，而是你跟別人牽手親吻談情睡覺，心裡卻沒有跟那人「在一起」的連帶感，同床異夢的殘酷。唉，所謂哀莫大於心死。

常常夢見自己肢解一個自己不認識的女人……嗯，我得記下這個，下次去問問我的心理醫生。

插圖：Spirit-of-Dusk