Satisfaction

In fact I do know that what is troubling me in all these days. I definitely know that what makes me feel so miserable: I am not satisfied, I am not satisfied with my life, with what I am doing and experiencing. In these years, I have been experiencing a struggle, i have been struggling with my life. It seems that there is a beast living in my heart, it has been hurt by many things from the outside. I did have dream and passion once, maybe i didn’t really have it, but at least yesterday I did have something to believe in. I am frustrated. The frustration fills in every holes of my soul. When I was a child, I was absolutely passionate, at least, I was not afraid of falling and losing. At that time, I was sure that I have nothing to lose.

Yes, it’s right with no doubt. However now I am so afraid of those horrible imagination. A continuing Anxiety-Disorder recently keeps torturing me. I live by just my instinct. I am not satisfied with my inner conscious. There is something wrong. I discovered that although love troubles are violent to people, problems of satisfying are even more difficult to be solved. I deeply feel that there are some drastically melancholy things beneath my heart.

I read a christianity magazine before(reading something which i don’t actually believe in or agree with is my hobby), it interviewed a taiwanese singer from decades ago. She traveled to Jerusalem with some christianity followers before, in the trip those people invited her to be a follower through baptism. This woman had some considerations and finally decided to be a follower, its an ordinary experience for many people. Furthermore, the most interesting part is that the woman intensively cried with no reason in the night before her baptism. She said that she was not satisfied with her early career, she felt lost in the entertainment cycle, she felt sad because she could nearly get some acting awards. Those things have putted the seed of sadness in her heart. Satisfaction is the most important thing in human’s life. Are you satisfied with your life?

I can understand that what is happening for these human’s mental activities. Our soul stores stress and pain, so we could act and live like a normal guy walking on the street until a day when we can’t control those negative sentiments. We solve these thing with drugs, sex, shopping, religions, blah blah blah, and everything you like, I have also tried most of those popular choices, but they don’t work either. In these years, the very last choice for me is just waiting, waiting the sun to rise again finally, and the moon falls instead, as a tragical and nature cycle.

Tags | 憂鬱症, 英語文章