Festival and Civilization

When you get older and older, you will become so lazy for celebrating the festival days, especially the Christmas Day. In fact Christmas Day has become the most disagreeable festival for me. How come it has become so commercial and annoying? I have no idea, but the juiciest part of Christmas Day is that we can imagine what will they do in that night.

Few years ago adults had shown their concern on young people having sex in the night of Christmas eve but nothing seems to change. In my opinion, having sex on that day is at least better than waste money in shopping center, the last thing has become the core of holiday nowadays. Adults never understand that young people usually have no conscious, they love and hate just by their instinct, so do adults when they were children. The definition of Civilization is that people like to twist those nature things to evil as their habit.

You become lazy since you lost your childhood, you have forgotten what is it feel like of being a child. I still can remember it, being a child is like you standing in an eye of a violent storm which is mixed with confusion, hate and love. I didn’t celebrate the festival, in general, I don’t feel lonely, so I didn’t walk out on the street and seek someone to accompany. Have you guys ever think of flirting is tired for anyone? As i have written before, maybe two years ago I liked to flirt, that time is an unusual period for me, I am sure that I was insane. However, in general I hate doing this. I hear that some girls and boys like to flirt instead of keeping an “official” relationship with others, I do understand their thinking once.

Nevertheless I still think that flirt is a hard thing to do, when you want to flirt with someone, you have to concentrate a lot more than ever, simultaneously hide a part of yourself ineluctably to get what you want to get. I admit it flirt is quiet an exciting activity but for ordinary people is hard to do it all the time. Moreover you probably will have a girl friend or boy friend. Loyalty is always been the core of Civilization so called.

PICTURE VIA Lovers by *Sarachmet on deviantART

Tags | 男女關係, 英語文章, 青少年

從六四集會到五區總辭

泛民第一大黨民主黨早前在會員大會中以八比二之比否決參加五區總辭。其實在會員投票之前，民主黨各大人物已多番擺出拒絕姿態。民主黨在怕甚麼？除了西環中聯辦的因素之外，民主黨大老們以至普通會員的憂慮當然是怕輸，然而在這怕輸裡面，背後的思維是不相信香港人在補選時會出來投票將他們「接」回議會裡去，怕輸只是這個思維的反映而已。雖然身為一個建制以外的政黨不相信人民是一個很諷刺的現象，然而我相信本地很多政客心底裡都不敢完全相信港人，每次選舉都是心慄手震，過左海就神仙。要他們再交出議席，等於與港人對賭一次、冒險一次，難矣。

為甚麼政客，甚至連很多港人本身，在政治上都不相信港人？情況是如此的。自1841年開始，香港成為英國殖民地。當時的香港人跟大多數中國人一樣，都是未開化的，未civilized的，物質條件，亦自然好不到哪裡去。二戰終結，倫敦承諾給予更多自由予其殖民地帝國，一度淪為日本仔階下囚的楊慕琦重新擔任港督。為對抗當時席倦世界的非殖民主地化風潮，也為爭取本地民心，楊慕琦計劃出台，計劃中華人也可進入建制之中，然而，華人雖能分享政治權力，然而當時正值中國內戰、局勢不穩，大量難民湧入，而本地港人絕大多數對政治還未啟蒙，並不關注。在諸多因素之下，計劃被擱。而中國內戰和共產黨立國，令大量中國難民湧入，也改變了香港整體民眾的成份。

對很多人來說，民主是遙遠的，他們關注的是今天有飯吃沒有。這也是很正常的。而到了今天，你亦可以在人群中找到很多這類思想的老一輩人。而英國人在中英問題浮面後，便開始政治改革，包括我們今天看見的兩會選舉，乃至基本法中的「民主成份」，其實都只是中英角力下的副產品。

於是，我們要問一個問題，在香港的政治改革中，港人緣何幾乎每次缺席？在二十世紀未的大小政治活動，都只是局限於一小攝人——政治人物——的小活動。香港人太早熟世故了，經濟曾經繁榮得叫人精神墮落。很多港人將民主和民生分隔開來。當非洲人和亞洲人不堪殖民地政府的壓迫而奮力血拚的時候，香港人顧著賺全世界的錢，舒舒服服的在英國人的良好統治下過他們的好日子，對民主從來沒有需求。然而，現在情況不同了，經濟衰退，管治無度，特權橫行，一百多萬的窮人，上面坐著的是一班IQ有問題的富家子弟。香港人是憤怒的，但他們的憤怒沒有對像，他們也不知道該對甚麼東西憤怒。而造成這些問題的最大原凶，是制度。立法會有罪惡的功能組別，歪曲民意，廢了民選議員的武功。特首非選舉產生，又只對北京負責。

即便是零三年的七一遊行，也只是一連串施政問題加上廿三條的催化而已。而且，被清算的只是老董，是個人，而不是制度。奇異地，港人的憤怒多數並不指向體制，指向這個先天性的不公平遊戲，他們很多甚至對立法會的組成部份和選舉辦法茫然不知，也不認為如此有甚麼問題。為甚麼？因為他們很早就將民主和民生的觀念分割，「政治」早就成了生活之外的特別東西，甚至是一種異端。因為他們的身體中沒有自行為自己爭取權利的血液。經濟、政治的大決定，都是英國、中國作的主。英國人培養香港人成為他們的家奴，家奴是沒有政治意識的，他只知道服從。而港人對政治的先天性冷漠，基本上也保留到今天，這個「沉默的大多數」便是政客，甚或很多香港人不信任的部份。

但是，你要說香港人是全然不關心嗎？也不然。一九八九年六月四日，六四事件，成了港人政治意識的一個遲來的啟蒙。自此以後，每次同月同日，為數不少之港人會到維多利亞公園集會紀念。若有任何人在六四日子附近說錯話，即惹來無數評擊。陳同學和曾特首便是一例。六四可以說是港人最「熱衷」的議題，最火紅的政治圖騰。為甚麼不？在電視機上看見坦克入城，在天安門前，火光紅紅，天安門前成了殺戮戰場——影像最有力量，引發了港人的血性。而港人對共產黨的憎惡和憤怒在六四事件後亦正式聚焦成形。然而，在這次以後，港人的政治覺醒又停頓了。

每年選舉的投票率怎麼的低，六四集會仍辦會得浩浩蕩蕩。每年的六四集會，是一個行禮如儀的活動。大家去喊喊口號，發泄那一年對共產黨甚至是港府的不滿——因為這是香港政治的風眼哦，在風眼中心，大家都覺得自己做了點事，發泄了政治上生活上的無力，翌天大家又如常生活工作炒股炒樓。對六四的熱烈關心，或者大力評擊任何異議聲音——包拾你待會對我很可能會做的——是很容易的。因為誰都會對一個政府屠殺子民感到憤怒。非黑即白，這個道德判斷很容易的，所以港人總算維持了廿年。然而，港人廿年來的政治焦點，除了六四，乏善可陳。一個老問題，政治對港人來說是生活以外的、遙遠的。六四集會是對北京的一個消極反抗，它甚麼都沒有改變，所以北京也任由你們搞了。

很多港人也不相信立法會能改變一些事情。他們對政治的參與很可能只限於七一六四喊口號。立會選舉、區議會選舉，投票率年年低迷。連投票都如此困難，更不須期望他們會走出來抗爭曬馬，與政府至死方休。在六四集會高喊追究共產黨的他們又會問，講真阿爺點會俾我地雙普選呀？在本地不乏這些人，而民主黨的看法亦是如此。他們心裡都知道六四集會，只是做樣的，而五區總辭卻是與北京公然的體制對抗。

所以，民主黨根本不信港人，也不信事情可以改變，於是他們是不會參與被司徒華形容為跳樓自殺的五區總辭的。但是，五區總辭卻又是一次檢驗港人政治覺醒的機會。五區公投，並不是民主派與建制派之爭，而是港人政治參與及政治冷漠的思想對決。港人能不能從六四事件的濫觴走出來、跳出家奴傳統，身體力行為自己當家作主？還看五區總辭，全民公決之投票結果。

image via here, here, and here

Tags | 抗爭, 政制發展

三篇短篇

九月之後，以大約一個月一次的頻率書寫了三篇篇短小說——字數大約為一萬幾一篇。這是我有意識以來第一次持續地以短篇連接短篇，慨因日常俗務甚繁，已騰不出心力時間寫長篇的。而且，我發現一個事實，即是人們在網上會略過任何長篇的字牆，而看見小說就更是避之則吉。雖然如此，自十月開始我在此處也貼上原文以供閱讀，意外的收到一些有意思的留言和意見。

在十月寫的第一篇《吃羊》是收到最多反應的。我細心思量這個在腦中醞釀已久的故事該怎麼present，最後我選擇了內斂的方式來寫。最近我對人吃人這東西越感興趣，我有興趣的不是它本身，而是人在怎麼的情況和心理下做出這個行為。自九月開始我讀國歷越多，越覺身處的世界乃由權力機關的粉飾而建造——我是說在意識上，我們都似乎不留神歷史上發生過那些慘無人道的事情。在每次改朝換代的前後，華人在神州上經歷的都是餓至相食。即使在那些所謂「正史」中記下的也是不知幾凡，無一例外。即便不是兵革暴亂的時候，中國人相食的行為亦是有的。如在清朝嘉道二帝之後，各地因民不聊生、無以為食而吃人的事件亦有不少，人肉市場亦隨之而生，人肉的價錢卻在豬牛之下。當你細心讀歷史時，你不可能不感到不寒而慄。而中國人的一生，到了廿一世紀的今天，似乎都沒有尊嚴可言。倪匡心水清，他說過現在的確是盛世，盛世時中國人就能做奴隸，亂世時就連奴隸都無得做。我想他只是沒說下去——亂世時中國人只能吃人和被吃。於是，這篇小說就是在如此的想法下寫成的。

而人們在受壓迫而尊嚴盡失的時候，要怎樣反抗？抗爭是一個必然出現的手段。《宵禁夜》雖然沒有收到幾多回應，但它基本上是一個抗爭的故事。然而，群眾的抗爭成了映襯。本來我想寫的是一個愛情故事——然而讀過的人都不如此認為。接著，半個月前是《佛與劍》，我參考了一些歷史，將背景設在晚唐的藩鎮之上，我頗喜歡這故事的氛圍，我再讀的時候，它已像是另一個人寫的東西了。

零九年的習作寫到這裡。

Tags | 寫作事務

抄書：瘋狂在道德史上的意義——尼采

——儘管從公元前好幾千年開始，包括公元後，大致上直到今天（我們自己住在狹小的例外世界裡，彷彿在一個惡人區），存在著人類一切群體賴以生活的「習俗道德」的可怕壓力——我是說，儘管如此，新的異端的思想、估價、舉動依然不斷地爆發出來，則看來這裡該有一種非同小可的引發力量：幾乎到處都必是瘋狂在為新思想開路，衝破莊嚴的習俗和迷信的禁令。 你們明白為何必是瘋狂嗎？ 為何必是那聲色皆恐怖而莫測，如天氣和大海一樣惡魔般喜怒無常，因而同樣令人畏懼和提防的東西？ 為何必是那明顯帶著完全不能自主的標記，如癲癇病人之抽搐、口吐白沫，在瘋子眼裡是神性的面具和傳聲筒的東西？ 為何必是那使新思想的承載者自己也敬畏和害怕自己，因而不再有良心不安，驅策他去做新思想的先知和殉難者的東西？

既然我們今天也常常明白，派給天才的不是鹽粒①而是瘋草（Wahnwurz）籽，那麼，從前的一切思想者便遠比我們懂得，凡有瘋狂之處也就有天才和智慧的種子——某種「神性之物」，如他們所自語的。 或者更確切地說：他們有力地作了表達。 「希臘借瘋狂獲得了最偉大的財富。」柏拉圖以及所有古人說。 讓我們更深入一步：一切出類拔萃者不可遏止地要打破任何一種倫理的束縛，創立新的法則，如果他們原先並非真的瘋了，則他們除了把自己弄瘋或者假裝發瘋之外，別無出路——而且不限於宗教和政治制度的改革者，一切領域的改革者皆如此——甚至詩律的改革者也必須藉瘋狂獲得自信。 （因此，直到相當溫和的時代，詩人們仍保留著瘋狂的遺風，例如，梭倫在動員雅典人收復薩拉米斯②時曾追述此風。）

「倘若一個人不是瘋子，也不敢裝瘋，他怎樣使自己瘋呢？」古代文明的幾乎所有優秀者都曾陷入這一可怕的思路，一種傳授這方面訣竅和飲食指南的秘說大行其道，人們覺得這種考慮和企圖是無辜乃至聖潔的。 在印第安人是做一個巫醫，在中世紀基督徒是做一個聖徒，在格陵蘭人是做一個安基可克③，在巴西人是做一個巴基④，為此開出的方子本質上是相同的：荒唐的齋戒，持久的禁慾，遁入沙漠，隱入深山，攀上柱頂，或「居於一棵臨湖的朽柳」，並且斷絕雜念，一心想著能致人迷醉和心智錯亂之事。 可能正是一切時代最有創造力的人遭受了最無情最大量的靈魂痛苦，有誰敢一瞥其中的荒涼！ 有誰敢一聽孤獨者和迷亂者們的悲嘆：

「啊，快賜我以瘋狂吧，你們這些天神！那使我終於相信自己的瘋狂！賜我以譫妄和抽搐，突然的亮光和突然的黑暗，嚇我以世人未嘗經歷過的嚴寒和酷熱，喧囂和憧憧鬼影，讓我咆哮和哭號，如獸一樣爬行：只要我能在自己身上找到自信！懷疑在吞噬我，我殺死了法則，法則令我懼怕就像屍體令活人懼怕一樣：如果我不多於法則，我就是天下最墮落的人了。附在我身上的新精神，如果它不是來自你們，又會來自何方？證明給我看，我是屬於你們的，唯有瘋狂能給我這證明。」

而這種熱忱只在那個時代常常如願以償：當時基督教在聖徒和沙漠隱居者身上極其充分地證明了它的成效，因而誤以為也證明了它自己，在耶路撒冷建有大量瘋人院，以收留發病的聖徒，收留那些為之給出了最後一粒鹽的人。

①雙關語，Salz在德語中兼有鹽和才智的含義。
② Salamis，希臘的島嶼。
③ Angekok，愛斯基摩人的巫醫。
④ Paje，巴西土著的巫師。

——收錄於【悲劇的誕生】中的《曙光》(1881)

Tags | 哲學

Satisfaction

In fact I do know that what is troubling me in all these days. I definitely know that what makes me feel so miserable: I am not satisfied, I am not satisfied with my life, with what I am doing and experiencing. In these years, I have been experiencing a struggle, i have been struggling with my life. It seems that there is a beast living in my heart, it has been hurt by many things from the outside. I did have dream and passion once, maybe i didn’t really have it, but at least yesterday I did have something to believe in. I am frustrated. The frustration fills in every holes of my soul. When I was a child, I was absolutely passionate, at least, I was not afraid of falling and losing. At that time, I was sure that I have nothing to lose.

Yes, it’s right with no doubt. However now I am so afraid of those horrible imagination. A continuing Anxiety-Disorder recently keeps torturing me. I live by just my instinct. I am not satisfied with my inner conscious. There is something wrong. I discovered that although love troubles are violent to people, problems of satisfying are even more difficult to be solved. I deeply feel that there are some drastically melancholy things beneath my heart.

I read a christianity magazine before(reading something which i don’t actually believe in or agree with is my hobby), it interviewed a taiwanese singer from decades ago. She traveled to Jerusalem with some christianity followers before, in the trip those people invited her to be a follower through baptism. This woman had some considerations and finally decided to be a follower, its an ordinary experience for many people. Furthermore, the most interesting part is that the woman intensively cried with no reason in the night before her baptism. She said that she was not satisfied with her early career, she felt lost in the entertainment cycle, she felt sad because she could nearly get some acting awards. Those things have putted the seed of sadness in her heart. Satisfaction is the most important thing in human’s life. Are you satisfied with your life?

I can understand that what is happening for these human’s mental activities. Our soul stores stress and pain, so we could act and live like a normal guy walking on the street until a day when we can’t control those negative sentiments. We solve these thing with drugs, sex, shopping, religions, blah blah blah, and everything you like, I have also tried most of those popular choices, but they don’t work either. In these years, the very last choice for me is just waiting, waiting the sun to rise again finally, and the moon falls instead, as a tragical and nature cycle.

Tags | 憂鬱症, 英語文章

VAMPS instead of L’Arc~en~ Ciel

VAMPS
VAMPS
LABLE: VAMPROSE

[rating:7.2/10]

I did miss a band which has published a debut album few months ago. The band is called VAMPS, formed by the vocalist HYDE from L’Arc~en~ Ciel and the guitarist, K.A.Z from Oblivion Dust. The lineup of VAMPS forces me to think of The Tears, one of the most evanescent and great band formed by my favorite ARTIST Brett Anderson and Bernard Butler, the later is also a famous guitarist. Unfortunately The Tears has been AMOST disbanded. Now I am going to talk about this new group.

Few days ago I listened to some of their singles, I was a bit disappointed at the beginning. Those singles somehow is quiet ordinary and tasteless, although its much heavier than L’Arc~en~ Ciel’s songs. The band sounds punk, yet, it seems that there is nothing very artistic and outstanding in those singles. I am almost stop following L’Arc~en~ Ciel’s musical publishing because of their decreasing creativity of making music. Their recent works have become more and more popular, also, have become quiet soulless and lost. Every instruments and melodies of their songs are fine, but you can sense that there are something missed. L’Arc~en~ Ciel is artistically tired I guess. So does HYDE.

Nevertheless, A moment ago I have finished the whole debut album of VAMPS, then I am confused and surprised, although singles are featureless, however the sidetracks are exciting, heavy and powerful. I can guess that HYDE and K.A.Z both want to compose some non-japanese-style songs, I can intensively feel this purpose by listening those Garage rock style songs like first single “LOVE ADDICT” and other sidetracks. Those songs sound very “foreign”, except the most lovely song “EVANESCENT”. I think that their vision of making non-traditional sounds is good, unfortunately “EVANESCENT” is still the most excellent one in the album, which featured a graceful and transparent guitar playing. It is quiet like L’Arc~en~ Ciel’s old work, so called the KILLER SINGER. The tragical and breakable melody of this song properly impresses me.

Track Listing:

• 01. BITE
• 02. LOVE ADDICT
• 03. COSMOS
• 04. SECRET IN MY HEART
• 05. EVANESCENT
• 06. VAMPIRE DEPRESSION
• 07. REDRUM
• 08. DEEP RED
• 09. I GOTTA KICK START NOW
• 10. TIME GOES BY
• 11. SWEET DREAMS
• 12. HUNTING
• 13. SEX BLOOD ROCK N’ ROLL

Tags | 日本, 樂隊音樂

希特拉插爆民主黨

軍官：大人，佢地驚選戰會失利﹗
希特拉：都未選又點知邊個會輸﹗都無春袋既﹗

Tags | video, 政制發展

問佛——愛與死

故人，老一輩的人寫說這個字，指以前的老朋友，或者前夫前妻。我只有前者。我問佛，她們緣何來，我緣何去，是怎麼樣的緣——我以為是孳綠。我斷斷續續的說過其中一個，今日我說另一個。

一先一後來的。先來的一個。我現在記不起跟她有過甚麼實際的事，它們消融飄渺了，我甚至沒牽過她的手吻過她的嘴，更不消說是上床——一個標誌性的動作，使我記住人們的髮膚輪迴。然而，雖然我們之間沒實際的發生甚麼，但我記得自己跟她有一段糾纏歲月，我不知道對對方來說那一段日子是甚麼。我沉溺，苦戀將我埋葬。人們總有這種經驗，因為甚多的原因，你知道結果，也許你我的事，是可以的，是很得通的，但實際卻非如此。行星間的牽引不一定是回應寂寞的回聲，而是本能相尋的毀滅。

悲喜交雜的關係。人在潛意識中總是自虐的，那些令人痛苦萬分的東西，你總不願放手，縱然使自己人不像人、鬼不像鬼，不知人間何世。牽著你走的只是一個念頭，一個迷離的渴望。經歷一段萬般痛苦的時期，我病了，我跟她訴苦，但不願告訴她是甚麼原因，使我孤魂留離。我知道她是知道的，但有時我寧願將她的遲頓，想成是純然的邪惡，而不是殘忍的純情——畢竟我們之間有過那麼多的日子，她總得了解。那些年，我在死蔭幽谷散步，當時我只有她一個見面的朋友，我待她如朋友，我甚至也覺得她是我有過最好的朋友。然而，我最終也受不住跟其若無其事地討論她與男朋友的感情問題。我斷了弦，我受不了。我對她說一切可以說的，然而事情的結果並未改變。不知在甚麼時候，我決心割捨這念渴，戒這個毒癮，停止一切聯絡和通訊。

然後，有一段很長的時期，我成了一陣灰燼。我的身體慢慢好轉，我再次活得人模人樣，成了外人眼中一個平常的人，認真的幹俗務，也不自毀。然而，我心裡醞釀一種狂恣。我記得，我成了另一個人，像長成了另一個人。我常常笑，開懷的笑，見回了舊朋友，吃喝玩樂聊，我變得非常適應。我四處的招惹花草樹木。在我眼中，女子都是美好的。我懷恨，但我變得尋常。那時我發崛到自己的口才，應用在拈花惹草這個活動之中，成了一個新奇的體驗。後來，另一個故事來臨。

之前，我已寫過這個她的事了。我知道，那是一個暫時的住所，我將重擔和悲情暫時安放其中，我甚至不跟她說我以前的事，一點也沒有。我看著那個女子，聽著她女孩兒的小事和心事，純然得像一個午睡的夢，我便不好意識驚擾它。這段插曲的結尾，我也說過了。然我不常想這件事，我想到的仍是我曾經的老友。

我對佛說，這很諷刺是不是？我不想念記恨一個盡了肌膚之親的，心裡卻仍唸留著一個玩伴——是的，也許這個名詞形容得貼切一點。佛說我不是記念著那個女子，我抓住的不是回憶，而是我的不甘心。很久以前，忽然了解這一切，人們不是因為遠離或背叛而悲傷——那甚至不是悲傷，更多是一種不甘心。不甘鐘愛的人脫手而出的憤恨。人們瘋狂，說：「我失去了甚麼﹗」然而，人又能抓著甚麼，甚麼都不能抓住，自然就沒有失去。但我們總是認為自己失去過很多。我那些悲切的日子，其實只是一段切膚的幻覺。

佛說完。我在心裡有一種悲涼的釋然和清醒。

插圖：Buddha by ~Adrienneknott on deviantART

Tags | 佛學, 男女關係

The fall of Szeto Wah

If my memory loyally serves me, few weeks ago i was sick. Finally i was sick, although it’s just common cold. However, I think the sickness somehow releases my long-tern pressure. Now I am better, for both mental and physical health. As well as i feel that my conscious is clear now, the chaotic state has gone I guess. Hence I put my attention on news again.

The local political condition has become so freakish, it changes so fast in every day. Since Democratic Party shows no interest, even some kinds of hates on resignation campaign which will organize by LSD and Civil Party. The elder of Democratic Party Szeto Wah recently has been saying so many negative things to strike and discredit this campaign. The Democratic Party would let one thing to happen only: they will taste their failure in the next legislative election because of their ugly reaction refusing the movement. I heard that many DP supporters feel frustrated and disappointed. Will they vote for DP in next election?

The deadly part in this issue is that DP refuses this campaign as well as they don’t have any suggestion to resist or response the proposal of institution development revealed by the government few weeks ago. The most ironic thing is that pro-beijing media or individuals now love to repeat Szeto Wah’s statements or saying for attacking the resignation movement. Now the democratic elder as if has become the spokesman of Communist Party. Anyhow the adjustment of pan-democratic camp is coming, no matter whether LSD and Civil Party could finally organize the campaign or not.

Picture taken: chinesepen.org

Tags | 人物, 政制發展, 英語文章