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My sickness become more critical in past few days. I absolutely cant sleep at night, people know that lack of sleep is one of the most horrible thing that human ever experienced. I cant clearly explain what happened to myself in those painful days, it just likes an unstoppable nightmare. Unlike philosophers and mad men, there is no question which is torturing me in my heart, I feel that the problem is purely physical. Eventually I went to hospital and got some sleeping pills for my condition. I still fight for my life although my soul and cell are killing me in this type of state. I want to survive of course as people and animals do, however the seed of lust for death is instinctly prepared in subconscious. At least I feel that really, unfortunately most of people’s soul are instinctly seeking destruction, at least a state of calmness. Thats the reason to explain why people commit suicide, taking drugs and the most popular choice: choosing a God to believe.

One day I will write an article to explain my view of religion things. I always mention that I really want to believe in Jesus. I am not joking. I can imagine that how well to be a REAL christianity follower, I got this thought by witnessing the transition of people who have become a believers. Unfortunately I also know that I wont become a follower of any religion in short term. Because I know that I will have so much doubt to ask, and doubt is not acceptable for a religion. Those invisible God wont answer it a word. Besides, most of their agents are businessmen not people who have wisdom and answer. I certainly know that if I get better after joining a group of religion, the effect is absolutely fake. The answer is I cure myself in that case, is not real. Then I have to ask: why should I care about whether God is real of not? Nevertheless, I care it more than anything. So the heaven is not prepared for me, but for people who wont argue too much in deep mind. I do envy them.

I have to stop my bullshit in here, because I have taken sleeping pill. Hopefully I can have a good sleep tonight.