昏暝夜想

幾天前一個晚上，忽然想起以前認識一個女子。這個關係並不是很久遠的事，但當中細節旁支片段，在我腦中已如早春殘雪，記得不很清楚了。但我那時想起她，心中起初是迷茫的，然後是一陣狠烈之罪惡感——罪疚是一種我極不常有之感覺。

我現在甚至連她的全名都不記得，但仍記得自己那時心裡是怎麼待她的。人的舉動、予人之感覺，跟他自己的心理活動，多數並不完全一致，甚至迴然不同。我記得當時的自己是一團灰燼，在上一段長滿折磨及痛苦的關係中化成一堆灰燼。當時，我的性情全然變了別個樣子。然後我遇著這個女孩子，兩三天後就開始了交往。這個關係應該是維持了半年左右的。

我想人們總是能夠讓人家感到一些他自己想人家感覺的東西——我讓她感到我是深愛她的，但我自己心裡卻仍是感到悲涼的。中間有一段時間我也認為自己是愛她的，但後來卻不然——我終究明白自己只是悲傷和憤恨著別的東西，這個關係對我來說只是肉慾的救贖，但我終究並不喜愛她的性情，隨之而來，我需求「分手」這件事——提出以前我亦無甚麼掙扎，她隨後之哭泣哀怨，當時我並無感覺。我無情得自己也認不了自己，而這無情乃是出於憤恨。我恨的卻不是眼前這個女子，我乃憎恨前事、記掛著故人。我感到罪疚的並非其他，而是我自己羈絆著這個女子，最後卻未曾不愛憎過她的甚麼，這真正叫人輾轉反側。

為甚麼寫這個，我不知道。最近此事在腦際間盤恒不去，遂略書幾筆。你們知道，我並不喜愛、亦很少寫情寫愛。但你們也知道，身體抱恙而兼之風雨在外，總是很容易傷春悲秋的。

image via here

Tags | 男女關係

短評 Muse【The Resistance】

Muse
The Resistance
Label: Warner Bros., Helium 3

[rating:7.0/10]

在有留意洋樂隊的朋友中，幾乎人人一致肯定Muse零六年的【Black Holes and Revelations】是一張轉型失敗的專輯。從【Showbiz】初萌的黑暗燥動，到零三年的【Absolution】已基本終結、窮盡了那種情緒化的、大起大落曲式的探索。樂隊亦知覺這一點，前作黑洞默示錄可看作樂隊第一次銳意轉型，出來效果卻是強差人意，兩邊不著岸，故有氣息固然失去，連歌的流行性亦顧此失彼。

三年後的【The Resistance】則是再次將轉型的觸手伸向電子音樂的版圖。但要形容這張專輯卻是困難，電子的氣味固然是重了，但Matthew等人的古典音樂根底亦是未曾有過的張揚，諸如《United States Of Eurasia 》後段更是以一段蕭邦夜想曲作結﹔專輯後段三首亦以交響曲命名，歌裡歌外都是濃濃一陣古典和學院味。Matthew的用聲內斂了很多，歌詞方面則是不死心地想賦予更多深度。【黑洞】似乎是政治性的，【The Resistance】則是更廣的，開始觸及普世人文的層面。聲音上，專輯中段的焦點卻見凌亂，不感覺一氣呵成。個人較喜歡的是質感迥異於整張專輯的《Undisclosed Desires》，其耐人尋味的氣氛，而且簡潔。

然而，Muse在聲音上如今已一點也不像Muse，Muse這次的回歸對我來說則是一種不可避免的好壞參半，全碟亦不見有極大驚喜，自己的英倫癮倒是能靠它吊一吊。

Track List:

• 01 Uprising
• 02 Resistance
• 03 Undisclosed Desires
• 04 United States of Eurasia (+Collateral Damage)
• 05 Guiding Light – 4:13
• 06 Unnatural Selection
• 07 MK Ultra
• 08 I Belong to You (+Mon cœur s’ouvre à ta voix)
• 09 Exogenesis: Symphony Part 1 (Overture)
• 10 Exogenesis: Symphony Part 2 (Cross-Pollination)
• 11 Exogenesis: Symphony Part 3 (Redemption)

Tags | 樂隊音樂, 英國

The Chaotic Consciousness

It’s hard to write down something in this status, even i really want to have some recent posts on my blog. It seems a dead person and so does my heart too. Recently I want to close it down, and let it falls as a decayed empire. The situation is quiet unclear and actually I can say nothing now, it is such a withering state for me. I opened a note and there was nothing out from my brain as if it is absolutely empty.

Obviously I am writing something now as you can see, but its really hard to tell what’s going on. I talked about my inner condition before and at the beginning of September I was really concentrate on my conscious. Moreover, I felt really good in daily life as if the sickness is fully recovered or all the infinite pains I experienced before are just my dreams. Now the illusion is gone, and my conscious is tainted again. I have been suffering from depression and the undescribable tiredness, and I suspect that tiredness comes from the depression, because it is quiet violent and also last for too long.

Furthermore, I nearly not read newspaper and even rss feed which i usually read as my habit. As we know the National Day is coming, pro Beijing people and liberal people predictably have been challenging each other with so many mainland political issues. In the past I also think and write something like those liberal people, such as why we should not celebrate the National Days blah blah blah, yes I know, but now its quiet repetitive for me. There are so much doubts in my heart with those big questions, so I cant simply write my opinion about it nowadays. Its a regression or an improvement? Finally I should say: I wont speak too much now, I am keep watching the world still, untill I can be back and say something again.

Tags | 憂鬱症, 英語文章, 身體疾病

Nightporter / Japan

說David Sylvian的新碟之前，貼一首Japan的舊作。眾所周知，這首歌也是達明名曲《禁色》的參考對象。

[flashvideo file=http://dadazim.com/journal/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/night.mp3 /]

Nightporter / Japan

Could I ever explain this feeling of love?It just lingers on
The fear in my heart that keeps telling me
Which way to turn
We’ll wander again
Our clothes they are wet
We shy from the rain
Longing to touch all the places we know we can hide
The width of a room that can hold so much pleasure inside

Here am I alone again
A quiet town where life gives in
Here am I just wondering
Nightporters go
Nightporters slip away
I’ll watch for a sign
And if I should ever again cross your mind
I’ll sit my room and wait until nightlife begins
And catching my breath, we’ll both brave the weather again

Here am I alone again
The quiet town where life gives in
Here am I just wondering
Nightporters go
Nightporters slip away

Tags | 樂隊音樂, 歌詞, 聽歌

Suppression of drugs as a political mission

I have been worrying the status of suppression of drugs in Hong Kong, there are many reports, interviews and even the advertisements, which about drug abuse in teenage group must be stopped, drugs is bad blah blah blah. I am sad to see that almost all of adults miss the point to save their children from drugs, and I am angry to hear that almost all of them are talking the shit.

Definitely the Establishment is using the media to affect the public opinion, as we know parents are easily affected by the media. The final result is those parents will agree all the political decision that Government would make for the school drug test. I can foresee that the Government will shamelessly treat this policy as its achievement at the end of the day. I have a complex feeling of this issue, as i said before the drugs abuse problem is not really critical compared with other well developed countries. The parents are terrified by the media that usually report the drugs abuse in schools.

Hence I never realize the point of the test for all secondary students, its totally wasting money to just annoying most of students who never take drugs. Besides the most ridiculous part is the test rarely find out those druggies, because of its low accuracy, of course many archives indicated it already. Also, without enough facilities and institutions, those druggies wont be better even they have been found out.

Unfortunately parents never concern that as an important problem, and it seems no one concede that we are just wasting our mone and do nothing to against the problem. Then what is the problem? The problem is I dont see this problem could be solved if the family and society keep falling and keep unconcerned. I dont think Donald has thought about it, either have parents. It is because Donald only cares about the appearance of Government will be improved by rudely imposing this policy.

A disastrous problem is it seems the adults in opposition to children make things worst. The point is not about their privacy blah blah blah but their living style in the modern world, which is usually full of pressure and unhappiness. Its easy to establish and devour in the name of moral, but its difficult to do the same thing with love and concern.We seldom talk about those words nowadays.

// images via Narcotics Division, Security Bureau
// 我戒，因為我被愛 | 香港獨立媒體

Tags | 毒品, 英語文章, 青少年

The inner transition

i havent been writing my dairy for a long time, and the reason is that now I seldom put focus on myself. Its quiet difficult to describe my physical new life and the inner transition which happened without a sound and a scent of smell. I discovered that I can be a normal and unemotional guy on the street, in the restaurant, and even the place i hate the most, and the most incredible and unimaginable change is I am quiet hard-working to do what I am supposed to do in this state. Yes, people do different things in different states, even they are not really satisfied.

Perhaps the truth is there is no fully satisfying living state under the Heaven; unfortunately I dont believe that there is a Heaven upon us at the same time.

Besides, I am quiet concentrate on my intellect now by not taking any pills to control myself to be conscious. I have slept well and woke up so early this week, hopefully it can last forever. It sounds and seems like a complete different guy as you see, but this is strange and perplexing to me as well. However, for the people outside I became a healthy person and living a “good” and ordinary life. That’s good, then the World is finally rest in peace now.

Also I have been learning some English language lately, as people see i am not good at it. The fact is I never work hard on this language until growing up. Hence I should learn more and write more, just like this article you see now and hopefully I can quickly use it to write other subjects on my blog such as political issues, which i usually write in the last year.

Tags | 英語文章

略論五區總辭變相公投的一點枝節

在這裡似乎未談過五區公投，也許可以略談之。在這件事上我有興趣的不是理念上的問題——應不應該公投、要不要普選，也不是執行上的問題——錢從何來、誰人辭職等，而是社民連在這個微妙的時刻有其微妙的位置。我們知道社民連的毓民及大舊身在外地，但五區公投的話題則在本地的某些討論層面上鬧得沸沸揚揚，各派打手及評論家就此問題舌劍唇槍尤如開武林大會，但是社民連在早段時間反而沉默，就是最近才見長毛出席一些街頭論壇及政界活動。我在想的是那種前期的沉默正是優勢所在，不要忘記，毓民提過兩三次的「政治說帖」到今天仍未出爐，在毓民大舊臨行在即之際，卻突然揚起了五區公投的狼煙，然後二人便剛好出發離開。我可以想像在那個時期——甚至現在——社民連中人也在忙著收集各式各樣的坊間評論或意見，以便統一處理及擬定說帖上的解答。而這狼煙的揚起與兩黨內兩人的出發在時間上在我看來卻是一種天作之合——巧合。照毓民的說法是：社民連在很久以前已經在泛民內部提出過這個構想，而李鵬飛在得知此事後主動向記者談論此事，及大鬧此建議「低b」，狼煙才會揚起、戰幔才會拉開。

當然事實如何我不作預設，而實際上的效果卻是社民連的以靜制動——民主派的噪動。五區總辭與民主前途的關係其實不是個議題的設定嗎？而泛民主派打從開始便已跟著這個設定去走，而他們的反應即使在很多老牌的民主派支持者看來也是非常窩囊——而我們竟真的誤打誤撞而知道了民主派很多老大嘴裡念著的，是議席能否選回來、辭職之後辦公室職員無工開諸如此類。即使是尋常市民看在眼裡也會有一種「民主派大佬戀棧議席」的印象。而這正是他們打從開始便跟著社民連設定的議題而不自知的結果，誰說公投了本地民主運動便能化死水為活泉？可是五區公投——或是任何其他與政改的應對方案都是強而有力的政治武器，誰人搶先一步就能壓倒其他派別——至少在聲勢上。政治上，公投實行與否社民連也是有贏無輸。也許這亦是令其他民主派磋跎的地方，我做等於幫你抬橋，我不做便要承受輿論政伐。情勢如此明顯。

民主公民兩黨這一年似乎都沒有在這個話題上有過甚麼表示，先不要管五區公投實際上是怎麼一回事，先提出的社民連已在大眾心中得到不少形象分——「我們仍是關心政制和普選的」。李鵬飛的舉動——令社民連與五區總辭從day one開始便拉在一起——倒是幫了他們一把。這種效果是一個政治買販老到濛的無心之失，還是刻意為之的機關計算？不要忘記飛哥是老愛國啊。

Tags | 本地事務

昏醉以及凝視

君看雙眼色，不語似無愁。我們總是寂寞的，即使我們有愛著的人、有愛著我們的人。活著的寂寞是一陣夾雜著細小玻璃碎的微風，吹彿著我們，微細的痛楚煎熬著我們，直至膚上擦出腥血來，我們才肯承認——哦，又出事了。縱然我們在世界活著總不是孤單，可這陣凜冽的風還是要割傷我們的。我們之中的某些人持續地受苦，這種天罰常常使我們寸步難行。我們不停倒下，有的陣亡，有的重新起來，有天再被擊倒。

我們並沒選擇毒品和耶穌其中之一作為救贖，這種痛楚也便顥得份外的清澈，但是在這些情緒之中，我卻感到活著是怎麼一回事，我感到與我自己之間沒有謊言，沒有自欺欺人的念頭，所以我感到憂愁。畢竟愛是一種原始的昏醉，憂愁卻是一種太過清澈的凝視。

Brett最近放出來的現場錄影，演奏的是即將推出的新碟的歌曲。無得頂。

Tags | brett anderson, 憂鬱症, 聽歌

十一齣戲

4res早前已在facebook裡tag了我，但自己到了今天才擠得出心情來寫。我小學的時候看書，但到了中學卻熱衷看影碟。近年我連電影也不怎麼看——總是沒有機會去看。我對於吃飯看戲這公式多多少少有點感冒，長大後走入戲院的次數也是益發的少，近年我的心機亦轉到了音樂之上。書和戲對我來說已是舊歡如夢。

我似已將看過的戲忘光了，生活是孟婆湯。也不知道是因為自己的注意力不一樣了，還是近年我實在持續地遺忘不同的人和事。所以十五齣我就列不出來了，但我現在回想這些電影的一針一線時，心裡還是感到悸動——謝謝老天，這證明我的心到今天還沒死。

***

• 1. Interview With The Vampire / 夜訪吸血鬼

對我個人來說是一部有最大影響力的電影，當年看這戲時的震撼——多麼天翻地覆。它總是時常地主宰著我以後對「故事」這回事的美學觀感。當然，我也常常將原作者的名字填入「你最喜歡的作家」一項，敬拜得五體投地。從來沒人能將吸血鬼的主題寫得那麼深那麼廣、那麼的愛恨糾結，那麼的文學、那麼的——人性。Anne Rice之前，他們不過德古拉式的恐怖馬戲團小丑、為了驚嚇情節而出現的怪物。同名小說成書——時為一九七六年——之後，暗黑造物竟也有踏入文學殿堂的一刻。

這個版本的好是作者自己擔當編劇，原汁原味，之後的一套Queen of the Damned則不然，所以淪為了一堆屎、一部普通的恐怖B片。而對本地的觀眾來說，我之前所說的好處其實都是負累，類似題材，還是《Twilight》適合他們多點。

• 2. 千與千尋

對宮老頭的動畫並沒特別感覺，近年的波兒更是比清水更淡嚼不出味來——我知，目標觀眾根本不是我。不過千與千尋自己倒翻看了好幾次，喜歡它處處泛起的佛家禪意。

• 3. 麥兜故事

非常喜歡喜歡的故事，不得了的本地味，聽說近期那套多少已失了港味。筆觸和配音也是很過癮的地方。我總是很喜歡黃秋生聲演的那些校長、黎根、通渠佬。中後段筆觸直插人生無可避免的灰暗面，是很灰，但這正是這部電影的力量。

• 4. 烈日當空 / Link

是跟拜物小姐去看的戲，我被這部戲折服、也感動了。當然，它是有一些小瑕疵，但是瑕不掩瑜，而且我珍惜這部戲可一不可再。就是導演自己再過兩三年，也就拍不回這種燥動的情懷了。要是早幾年呢，又可能是駕馭不了「拍一部電影」這回事的——所以，我愛它。

• 5. Matrix

似乎是科幻電影的極致，要說這三部電影其實是多少個post多少本書都說不完的。就像新世紀福音戰士一樣，Matrix可供解讀的地方實在太多，當然我總是避免不了從宗教的角度解讀它，但這戲實在太好玩，處處都是訊息、處處都是文化隱喻，看一套戲簡直可以滿足你N個願望。

• 6. 沉默的羔羊 (或者加上赤龍和殺機)

基本上這個系列有Anthony Hopkins演漢尼拔博士我就會覺得好看了。為甚麼？一個奸角優雅到這個程度簡直是不可思議的，當然，沒有了Anthony Hopkins的那套Hannibal Rising根本是一堆屎，看見這個系列出了這齣恐怖B片又是只能喊三聲。

• 7. Before Sunrise

甚麼是浪慢，甚麼是romance？This is it. 我很少看愛情片，但Before Sunrise總是讓我念念不忘。我們要不要下車，spend some time with each other？也許從今以後，我們將不會再遇見那麼投契的人了，這個機會我們總是要抓緊的，以免我們最後剩下的只有悔恨——哪管明光社的道德喧嚷。我們總要承認，人生很多珍貴和美好的東西總是與道德有違，是的，下車吧。

• 8. The Prestige

Christopher Nolan似乎是個到目前為止還未拍過爛片的神奇導演，在黑暗騎士之前早就為這部死亡魔法拍案叫絕，整個戲的怖局精妙得無可挑剔，處理劇情實在不得了的好，一針一線都是溢出螢幕的迫力。

• 9. The Dark Knight / Link

其實我喜歡的商業大製作很簡單，只要是像黑暗騎士般質素就是了。

• 10. 大逃殺

整部戲都是一個預言，是必然發生的世代戰爭。大人最終會害怕控制不了小孩子，小孩子被迫與整個階層甚至世界對立。這世界不是你們的、就是我們的。日本仔在極致的形式之中常常有警世的片言隻語，大逃殺即是其一。看回驗毒的風風火火，看看聽聽那些擁護驗毒的大人們的嘴臉說詞，你會知道我在說甚麼。

• 11. 男人四十

非常，非常好的劇本。當然我喜歡張學友和林嘉欣的戲，很平淡也很有實在感。尾段與詩詞滲雜，是畫龍點睛，有「人生天地間，若白駒之過隙」的一種微細、纏棉，以及哀傷。

Tags | 部落圈