The Spiritual Struggle

I was trapped in a depression recently. Its the chinese new year holiday, but it couldnt help a little bit. I cant feel any good feeling indeed. The miserable emotion is surrounded all the day, while the day light and twilight. Its useless to trace the reason that pull me down. The situation become worst when its deep in the night. The air of course, the deadly cold air almost smash my brain. I know exactly its just a illness, things and minds that appear in my brain is not real. But of course it fully take over the permission of my soul.

The situation continued almost a week, before the holiday start. As I mentioned that before, I dont take psychiatry drugs in this state, i decided it by myself, and my doctor havent against me. I take that kind of drugs for quiet long, as long as it can make me hate it. I dont want to stay in here anymore. That idea amazed and scared myself quiet. Tonight my stomach was suffered again and also cant figure out the reason. Perhaps its due to the pressure that last for a week already.

The struggle which is very acute and spiritual in my brain is hard. Indeed I always had been struggling with the uncountable mentally and physically illness. Although its true, I wont used to be it still. Definitely I dont trust in any doctor, any medicine and any God. I cant even imagine the existence of a savior that He could gives any help. Those earthlings who always live with the bad side of life wont believe it too. But i am not a atheist actually.

Whole night i listened to the The Crying Light from the band Antony and the Johnsons. The record amazed me quiet with the quality of those classic like musics. Which is very grandly and moody, like a dawn picture which have a sadly sun, and rising with the violet sky.

PS:
Please forgive me to i have no strength anymore to check those grammar mistakes.

Tags | 憂鬱症, 英語文章, 身體疾病